Beginning, Part 2.

 As a 25 year old I truly thought I would have it more together than I do.

There are times when I stop and think, 'what are you actually doing... and why???'. It's a cliche thing to say, but I am realising more and more that the older I get, the less I know and the scarier this world appears. The more I learn, the more questions I collect and a cloud of uneasiness seems to be growing over my head.

So many thoughts, so many things to do, so much perceived pressure from the ever so demanding world that we live in. I am increasingly aware that I need to make a regular decision to stop, rest, breathe and immerse myself in things that will replenish my soul and give me time to repair.

Life is hard at the moment. As someone who has only experienced a very small fraction of life so far, I often look around me and see people who are living the life that I want to be living and cannot understand how they do it so well. I look to those kinds of people, particularly those in similar circumstances and stage of life to me, and admire their ability to actually thrive amongst it all. Some genuinely appear to enjoy the chaos! I am inspired by these people and their faithfulness.

I am in a season of my life where I feel like there is a disconnect between what I want, what I know and how I feel. I live such a blessed life and feel that I don't 'have permission' or good enough reason to be struggling as I am. In the very same breath that I say that last sentence, I know that I have subconsciously swallowed and believed many lies that have led me to this mindset.

So.

Today I draw a line in the sand. I will use how I am feeling and the journey I am on as a way of highlighting my own weakness, and further illuminating God's never-ending and ever abounding strength and love that is so accessible to me. I am giving myself permission to not be ok and along with that I wholeheartedly run towards my God with empty, open arms seeking forgiveness, truth and peace.

This blog is something that I felt I needed to do for me to collect and somewhat organise the ever abounding thoughts in my brain whilst also validating the struggle that I have often not properly acknowledged or sought adequate help for. Most importantly though, I believe that through the pages of my ramblings, Gods never ending patience with me and love for me will be revealed (mostly to myself in those times when I feel like I am a big mess).

I want to do life well and at the moment I feel like, everything is out of kilter. I am not ok with this and I claim fulness of life, even though I don't know what this practically looks like right now.

I choose life and I seek peace for my heart.

Great things are ahead, I know that full well.

xx

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; listen, that you may live." 

Isaiah 55:1-3